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Holiday Warmth

Morning Joe

Morning Joe

Since our  holiday parties; one Muslim consisting of Saudis and Afghans, another Burmese, another Indonesian, and finally family Christmas, I’ve been hibernating in our bedroom, feet by the radiator, laptop on lap, and organizing twenty years of my life.

At first, I stayed in bed for hours, unable to rouse myself until around 10 am, unable to feel shame, guilt or any feelings except pure bliss under three layers of covers, two dogs and one cat. Darkness outside, chill within, I couldn’t force myself to do morning.

This was “our” early January routine: Dogs woke Jon up at 6am to go outside, he returned for one more hour. At 7 he got up, turned on bright lights in our bedroom, set the TV to “Morning Joe”  on MSNBC, turned up the heat in the room to a toasty 68 degrees,  brought up strong coffee and left-over Panetone as I lay unconcious in bed.

The smell of coffee usually woke me in time to race to the bathroom, returning to several hours of just sitting in a daze. I speak in the present tense now, because this is my morning without an appointment on cold days.

This year, for the first day in forever, since returning from the Tropics, I am doing well in winter! Depression hasn’t hit yet, but I felt it nipping at me last week, as I began to feel guilt for not accomplishing “more”. Instead, I tried to look back at the many years of deep and debilitating darkness that would overtake me during these months in New York State. The crying, the feelings of despair and lack of self worth. I remember one winter when I felt Joan Lunden (sp) on “Morning America” was literally my only human friend.

So, my formula is working, and let me say, has worked! Though I’m not quite better yet, and it is only 10 degrees today, I’m not so “dead” as I was last week.  I’ve even had about one week of productive work, which I’ll blog about later.

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